Canberra secures aircraft to fly home six people who really, really want to leave boat
After days of negotiations, the federal government has confirmed it will send a plane to collect passengers from a cruise ship that has become, in medical terms, quite problematic.

COOKED NATION · DEVELOPING
After days of negotiations, the federal government has confirmed it will send a plane to collect passengers from a cruise ship that has become, in medical terms, quite problematic.
The Australian government has today announced it has secured a suitable aircraft to repatriate six passengers from a cruise vessel currently dealing with a confirmed outbreak of hantavirus, a development that sources close to the passengers have described as "overdue by approximately 72 hours".
The passengers, who reportedly boarded the vessel under the impression they would be enjoying international waters and discounted cocktails, instead found themselves in what one unnamed travel agent in Melbourne described as "a floating quarantine zone that still charges $28 for a mid-range Shiraz".
A spokesperson for the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade confirmed in a statement that the aircraft would depart later this week, adding that the repatriation had been "carefully coordinated" with relevant authorities. The delay in securing the aircraft was attributed to what officials described as "logistical complexity", a term that typically means someone was on leave and nobody wanted to make the call.
The six passengers have reportedly spent the last several days confined to their cabins, subsisting on room-service meals and the kind of existential dread that comes from realising you paid $3,400 for a seven-day cruise that has become a cautionary tale. One passenger, reached via satellite phone, reportedly described the experience as "not what the brochure promised".
Cruise operator representatives could not be reached for comment, though a spokesperson indicated that future itineraries would "continue as scheduled" and that all passengers would receive a complimentary beverage voucher upon embarkation, a gesture that observers have noted does little to address the hantavirus situation.
At press time, the six passengers had reportedly begun packing their belongings and contemplating what normal travel looks like. The aircraft is expected to depart Thursday.
A floating quarantine zone that still charges $28 for a mid-range Shiraz.— Melbourne travel agent
Filed by Errol Parker — The Brainrot Desk